


The Chocoholic and The Easter Bunnies

by chocolafied, LunaTheLoneWolf



Series: Crack Creed [3]
Category: Assassin's Creed
Genre: Chocoholic, Chocolate, Chocolate Bunnies, Easter, Gen, Inspired by Real Events, Near Death Experiences, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-08
Updated: 2014-09-08
Packaged: 2018-02-16 13:53:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2272224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocolafied/pseuds/chocolafied, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunaTheLoneWolf/pseuds/LunaTheLoneWolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone was asleep one fine night weeks before Easter. Then they were awoken by the horrifying sound of Ezio finding the chocolate bunnies. Run Sofia, run.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ezio no

**Author's Note:**

> Yusuf here! This one came about because of the fact that Ezio really does get drunk off of chocolate and is a chocoholic. Thank God she doesn't actually have a sword in real life...

**Characters in this story:**

* * *

 

                A strange set of noises from the kitchen woke up Shaun one night. It was four in the morning and the tech was genuinely terrified for her life as she stood in the hallway and slowly tip toed her way down to the kitchen. A door opened behind her and she turned to see Lucy peering at her through the open crack in her door. 

                “What’s going on?” the assassin asked in a hushed whisper. Long brown locks were mangled and covered a good portion of her face. 

                The shorter girl shrugged her shoulders and pointed towards the end of the hall. “I don’t know,” she replied. “But I think we have an intruder.” 

                Lucy gulped, and then Rebecca appeared behind her. “That’s impossible. This place is well fortified.” She quipped with a frown. 

                The noises got louder as time went on. The trio moved down the hallway in a conga line; first Shaun (the grumpiest out of all of them), next Lucy, and then Rebecca.

                “What the _Hell_ are you guys doing?”

                Before they knew who it was, they all turned around and shushed him rather loudly. It was Desmond, blinking rather tiredly at them before looking past them at the kitchen door. “The noises are _still_ going on?” he whispered at them.

                The trio nodded wordlessly with the same doe-like look on their face in the dimly lit hallway.

                He mouthed the words “What. The. F***.” And then spoke up, “is going on here?”

                Rebecca tugged him to follow and added him to the conga line they were building. “Come along and you’ll find out.”

                Once again, Shaun shushed them rather loudly. They all took the final steps towards the door and the tech pushed the door open and flicked on the light switch.

                The refrigerator door was wide open. And Ezio was sitting in front of it Indian style while gobbling down whatever she was eating. While the other three stared at the mentor in complete horror, Shaun looked down to see five empty boxes and counting.

                She was eating…. _Easter Bunnies._

                They could all practically _hear_ they psycho music that was playing in the backgrounds as the brunette turned to face them, face covered in chocolate that accented her mad grin. Her eyes were an ice blue as she stared at them, a color that changed on only a few circumstances.

  1.        Someone pissed her off. (Yusuf)
  2.        Someone was teasing her _again_. (Sofia)
  3.        She was high as fuck off of chocolate.



                The group all screamed at the top of their lungs as they watched her staggering while getting up with a bunny head in her mouth and her sword in one of her chocolate covered hands. “RUN!” Shaun screamed and bolted past them.

                Ezio’s manic laughter chased them down the hallway as she went after them.

                Leonardo opened her bedroom door and groggily wiped her eyes as the four of them were running down the hallway towards her. “What’s going—”

                “EZIO’S HAD CHOCOLATE. RUN YOU FUCKERS. RUN.”

                Leonardo was dragged along by Desmond as they bolted past her. About ten seconds later, Ezio passed by Leonardo’s bedroom, still laughing and swinging her sword around carelessly.

                The party of those who valued their lives began to add up rather quickly since Claudia, Caterina, Paola, Yusuf, Malik, Rosa, and even Cersa were running towards the fallout shelter in case the Templars came…or if _this_ happened.

                As Shaun ushered everyone else in and frantically closed the door while punching in the pin code, Leonardo spoke up, almost screaming, “WE FORGOT SOFIA!”

                Shaun deadpanned and looked at the Asian girl before looking past the metal door. Ezio was laughing demonically and slowly staggering towards them, almost right in front of her and in the doorway. The tech screamed and slammed the door shut. “HE’S ON HIS OWN!”

                “WHY ARE WE SCREAMING?” Caterina yelled while stomping her foot.

                Yusuf rubbed the sleep out of her eyes while clutching her pillow to her chest with her other arm. “Don’t know…” her statement was cut off by a loud yawn. “…I’m going back to sleep.”

                Banging on the door then cut through the silence. Banging and drunken laughter. From a far corner in the room, Paola began sobbing and curled up into a fetal position while rocking back and forth. It was only a few seconds before most of the group joined her and held onto each other for dear life. Soon, it was only Claudia, Caterina, Shaun, Yusuf, and Rosa that remained at the front of the small room.

                “Who the _HELL_ let her have the chocolate?” Claudia spoke up.

                “I don’t know!” Shaun was trembling as she wrapped her arms around herself. “When we got there, the fridge was wide open and she was devouring her… _sixth_ chocolate bunny!”

                “But what about Sofia?” Rosa spoke up. The banging on the door got louder, as well as the chilling laughter that Ezio was letting out. They all paused for a moment to glance at the fortified door before looking back at each other.

                Yusuf propped her head up from one arm of the couch and raised an eyebrow while her droopy eyes stared at the group. “Think she’ll answer the phone if someone calls?”

                Rosa blinked. “No… _why_?”

                The assassin tossed the thief her phone and then settled back down to go back to sleep. “Night, bitches. His speed dial’s 666,” she yawned once again and then was out of it within a matter of seconds. Rosa and Shaun stared at the mobile device as its owner began to snore obnoxiously loud in the background.

                The thief looked up at the tech and shrugged. “It’s worth a try.” She pressed the six button a few times and called Sofia’s cell. After a few rings and pacing around, a groggy and low voice picked up.

                “What is it _this_ time, Yusuf?”

                Rosa swallowed. “Yusuf’s asleep. It’s Rosa you’re talking to,” She spoke quietly while he yawned in the background.

                “Oh,” he spoke. “Then where is she?”

                “In…the fallout shelter with the rest of us…?” The thief laughed nervously.

                “Fallout…with the rest of—are we being attacked?! Why didn’t the alarm—” His voice was higher now. Rosa heard him moving in the background.

                “It’s Ezio.” She said.

                It was silent on the other end. After a long pause, she heard him speak. “ _Oh, God._ ”       

                “You have to get down here _right now!_ ”

                “Who gave her _chocolate_?!”

                “She found the Easter stash.”

                “Son of a—Are you _SERIOUS?”_

                Rosa sighed heavily. “Just get down here!”

                “Are you nuts! She’s down here!” Claudia spat through gritted teeth and pointed at the door.

                To prove her point, more insane laughing came from the other side.

                The thief swallowed and brought the phone to her ear. “Good point…Just stay where you are.”

                “Wait,” Shaun spoke up finally, bringing a hand to Rosa’s shoulders. “There’s another way down here, but it’s risky.”

                “I’m good here, thanks.” Sofia replied over the phone.

                “ _SOFIIIIIIIIA~!”_

                They all froze and eyed the door. The banging noises stopped and the whole group was eyeing the door while quaking in their spots.

                After the short pause, Rosa heard the man’s voice on the other end again. “Uh huh…SO! What was this other risky way you two were talking about before?”

                

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yusuf: Hope you all liked it! I'm going back to sleep so...
> 
> Ezio:-banging on door- YUSSSUUuuuUUUUUF~
> 
> Yusuf: STOP BEING DRUNK EZIO! Feedback would be awesome, flames will be used to keep me warm at night.


	2. Ezio staph

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We kinda had this whole story done a while ago so... yeah. :'D

 

* * *

 

               “I really hate this…” Sofia was fine with sneaking about with the occasional assassination and all; the usual with retrieving information, staging a scene, all of the stuff that was usually left for Desmond, Yusuf, and Ezio. He was quite stealthy, too. He had to be when it came to Yusuf stealing his clothes and Ezio chasing him for chocolate….okay, so he set himself up for those…but this was entirely different.

                Ezio would actually _murder_ him in cold blood and dump his body in a river if she found him.

                Which was why he had his Bluetooth in and was going as slow as possible to avoid the _pazzo assassino_ who could be _anywhere_ in this forsaken base. He peered around the corner, swallowing lightly as he scanned the area before running towards the bookcase…and he tripped over his own feet and groaned. “Ow…”

                “ _Careful, Casanova~_!” Caterina chided over the phone.

                “Yeah, yeah,” Sofia got up and continued on towards the bookcase and climbing it. When he got to the top, he took the screwdriver from his mouth and began unscrewing the screws that held the vent screen in place.

                “ _Keep going_!” he heard Shaun talk into his ear piece as he placed the screen down on the top of the bookcase and began climbing into the vent.

                Sofia grunted as he squeezed into the small area. “Who’s bright idea was it to hide the chocolate at the back of the fridge?” he asked. The man winced when he heard Shaun shout with indignation on the other end.

                “ _Hey! I didn’t know she was going to find it_!” the tech yelled _very_ loudly. Maybe he would have to use hearing aid sooner than he thought.

                “You’ve known her for _four years_ and you still think she’s completely oblivious when there’s chocolate in the room?” Sofia grunted as he crawled through the air duct. The metal echoed around him as he tried to move as quietly as possible.

                “… _Good point_.”

                “See?” the man grinned to himself more arrogantly than he should have. “There you go!”

                Claudia twiddled her thumbs together while looking at the large monitor on the wall with a little red dot that was slowly making its way through the duct. “Maybe we _should_ have let someone else hide it when they offered.”

                “Like who?” Shaun turned away from the screen to look up at her. “I’m pretty sure they all had the same idea as me.”

                “Apparently,” Sofia grumbled. “They’re not as stupid as you are…OW!” his knee had collided full force with a tiny little bolt in the shaft.  

                “ _Oh, quiet you git_!”

                “ _Just saying~_.” They heard him sigh into his mouth piece as he continued crawling along.  Shaun stared coldly at the screen where his dot was before she and the rest of the group heard his voice coming through again. “ _Maybe you should have let Yusuf hide the chocolate bunnies. I mean, the devil of a woman is actually good at hiding things since I have to go days on end wearing a dress that was meant to show off a woman’s cleavage. The chest comes down to my_ ribs!”

                And to add to his point, they heard him shudder on his end, which caused the girls to laugh at his mental pain.

                On the couch, Yusuf rolled over and smirked impishly. She let out a hissing sound that barely passed for laughter as she tiredly eyed the large monitor by the door.

                “Either that or you’re just bloody stupid.” The tech replied as she crossed her arms with a scowl on her face.

                There was a pause on Sofia’s end before he spoke up again. “ _Would you like to swap clothes for the day? I think you’ll have a very different opinion about what I’m talking about by the end of the day_.”

                Shaun chuckled arrogantly. “Just saying~.”

                “ _Stop smirking you Brit and tell me where to go_.”

                “ _How do you know if I am or not_?”

                “Your voice says it all, _Your Majesty!_ ” He dramatically pronounced her title and snickered as he carried on.

                “ _Alright…now make a left at the next intersection_.” Shaun said with her usual bitterness.

                “ _Wait…shouldn’t she be making a_ right _?_ ” Claudia spoke up.

                “ _No, I’m pretty sure it’s a left_.”

                “ _No, he should make a right_.”

                “A _left_.” The tech glared up at the younger girl,

                “ _Right_.” Claudia returned the sentiment and narrowed her eyes.

                “ _Left_.”

                “ _Right_.”

                Sofia waited at the intersection, staring off into space as he heard the two bantering in his ear piece. Yup…definitely in need of hearing aid when the night is through. “You two _clearly_ don’t know how to navigate a map, do you?” he asked with a bewildered look on his face.

                “ _LEFT!”_

_“DAMMIT, SHAUN! IT’S RIGHT!”_

_“LEFT!”_

_“RIGHT!”_

                Sofia sighed. Typical for women to ignore him like this…

                Caterina blinked tiredly at the arguing pair and eyed Yusuf sleeping on the couch. Her eyes returned to the arguing duo and she nodded her head, making up her mind.

                “Yusuf,” she spoke as she poked the sleeping bear of an assassin. The younger girl on the couch groaned and looked up at the noble woman with a deadly glare in her eye.

                “ _What?_ ”

“Shaun and Claudia don’t know how to work a map…could you help us tell Sofia where to go?”

                Yusuf blinked at Caterina for a few seconds before raising a tired eyebrow. “And this is my problem… _why_?”

                Caterina was taken back a bit by the question. She had to think for a moment before a smile on her face appeared and her voice was raised in volume. “If you don’t help him out, you won’t have anything to tease Ezio about since he’ll be _DEAD!_ ”

                The look on the assassin’s face changed to a startled one as the thought ran through her head. The two looked at Shaun and Claudia before back at each other. Yusuf jumped up and rolled over the couch. “Give me the phone!”

                Sofia heard some commotion on the other side; what sounded like Shaun protesting even further and a new voice entering the picture. “Hello?” they spoke.

                “ _Bout time you got here, Yusuf_.” He quipped.

                “Shush.” She snapped.

                The man’s lips pursed and he blinked his eyes wide open.

                “Alright…” Yusuf’s voice drifted off and for another painstaking second, the intercom was silent. “Make a…right.”

                “TOLD YOU!” Claudia grinned at the seething little British girl as she crossed her arms and flared in a different direction.

                “ _You sure it’s not left_?” Sofia asked amusingly.

                “Sofia.”

                “Fine, fine.” He began crawling to the right. The dot on the map began going up in another duct.

                “ _Do you see another intersection yet_?” the assassin asked.

                “No.”

                “ _Good. You’re heading the right way then. Just keep going straight until—what the_?”

                Sofia paused and looked down at the metal he was crawling on top of. “What?”

                “The screen’s gone blank…” the four of them stared up at the monitor in complete horror.

                Another voice broke through on the line, one that was drunk of of… _chocolate_. “ _Hi, KIIIIIIIDS_ ~.” Ezio sounded like she was possessed by some demon from Hell. It barely sounded like her and more like some edited voice from a horror movie, which was what this was ironically becoming since most of them _hated_ horror movies.

                “ _Shit_.” They heard the man curse on his end, followed by a dry gulp from his throat. “ _I don’t wanna be raped_ …”

                And then the theme from Mission Impossible began playing in back of them. The trio turned to see Rosa with her iPod out and the song blasting full volume from the small device.

                The thief gave them an incredulous look while hunching her shoulders. “… _What_?”

                Yusuf rolled her eyes and talked into the phone. “Looks like we’re on our own…”

                Sofia passed another turn absentmindedly as he continued crawling. “That’s just wonderful news, Yusuf. Got anything else you would like to share?”

                “ _Hmm, other than the fact that I’ve already got the hearse lined up in case things turn to shit, then no, not really. I would hate it if you died, though. Ezio would be lonely without you and Leo and I would have nothing to tease her with_.”

                “Boy,” Sofia scoffed. “You sound so sincere.”

                Yusuf shrugged. “I try. It was nice knowing you.” She smiled innocently.

                “ _Thaaaaanks.”_ He kept crawling along, seeing something that made him smile a bit. “I think I see a way out.”

                “You do?” the assassin blinked. “Okay, good. Just nice and easy. Try to be quiet, we don’t know where Ezio is right now.”   

                “Yeah,” he grunted again as he began kicking at the grate. “I know.” He gave one last kick and the grate fell a few feet away from the opening of the duct. Sofia poked his head out, looking to the right…and then to the left…oh, no.

                He saw bare feet casually moving in front of him, followed by a pair of knees and then a pair of grey shorts on a pair of legs. And then he saw a familiar white night shirt cascade down over the waistline of those shorts as the owner squatted down to his eye level. The sword’s blade came less than an inch away from his face.

                A hand cupped his face a bit roughly, forcing him to look up. She had a bizarre grin on her face and a pair of sadistic eyes to match, both of them an ice blue. “Hi, Sofia…” Ezio giggled as she knelt down closer to him.

                Yusuf looked at Rosa, and then at Shaun. All of them were sharing looks.

                The only thing they heard on the other end was Sofia cursing under his breath, “ _Shit_.”

               

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is great; flames will be used to make dinner. :3


	3. Ezio, We Talked About This

                

*-Italian

-Merda – Shit

Porca troia – Fucking hell

Vai all’inferno – Go to Hell  
  
**-Turkish

Yine gel – Come again?  


* * *

 

                Yusuf stared blankly at the door, slowly letting out the air trapped in her lungs. “Well,” she sighed, looking up at Caterina, Rosa, Claudia, and Shaun before tossing the phone to the Auditore noble. “I’m going back to sleep.” The assassin began to quickly walk back to her makeshift bed on the couch. “Good night and good luc—”

                “NOT SO FAST!” Caterina grabbed the younger assassin by the collar of her shirt as she passed her by. Yusuf was yanked to a halt and slowly turned to look at the other girl, glaring at her in a way that was usually reserved for Templars, Paola’s ex-boyfriends, and _especially_ Duccio…and every once in a while towards Ezio when she said something out of line.

                “Come on~,” the bomb tech wailed and swung her arms up and down a little bit in front of her while stomping her foot like a five year old on a temper tantrum. “Sofia’s screwed and we know it! Going after him is the equivalent of doing a Leap of Faith and missing the hay bale on purpose or _straight_ into a pile of _needles!_ ”

                “Did someone say ‘needles’?” The doctor immediately poked her head up from the pile of sleeping people that surrounded her, a childish glee on her face as she adjusted her glasses and moved to get up.

                Yusuf grabbed her pillow from the couch and threw it square at the physician’s face. Cersa was knocked onto the ground and the pillow bounced off of her. “No one was talking to you!” she yelled at the unconscious doctor. “Go back to sleep!”

                Caterina sighed and ran a hand through her messy hair. “So, now what?”

                “We could try getting the monitor back online.” Rosa spoke up.

                Yusuf turned and laughed bitterly. “Yeah,” she replied. “And watch Ezio gut him like a fish. I don’t think so—”

                “ _I’M STILL HERE, YOU KNOW!”_

                Shaun nearly dropped the phone in her hands when Sofia’s voice blasted through on the mobile device, bouncing in her hands as it threatened to fall to the floor and shatter to a million pieces. The tech finally caught it, and then looked up to Yusuf who was making frantic gestures for her to pass the phone to her while jumping up and down. Shaun gulped before nodding and throwing the phone through the air.

                Yusuf caught it with practiced ease and immediately brought it to her ear. “Sofia?” she asked. Heavy footsteps in the background that were drowned out by gasps for breath were the only thing she heard on the other end for a moment.

                “ _NO!”_ He yelled into his mouth piece _. “It’s the dirt bag Selim the first!”_

                The assassin sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Nice to see that Ezio hasn’t scared off your sense of humor.”

                “ _Speaking of which—”_ Sofia’s voice was cut off by manic laughter that wasn’t too far away from him. Yusuf looked up when dust began to fall from the ceiling, as well as the rest of the girls when Sofia passed overhead. Another set of feet dashing above trailed by insane laughter passed over them a few seconds later.

                “Wow.” Yusuf blinked unfazed and rubbed her face from the dust. “Didn’t realize you were so close to the fallout shelter.”

                “ _I’m WHAT? Nevermin—*MERDA!”_ From his end, Sofia grunted loudly as he rolled out of the way from one of Ezio’s swings with her sword. For a drunk, she was surprisingly agile and as deadly with a sword as sober. Her laughter however, was one of the many things that made him want to run for his life from her, including the chocolate all over her face and hands and the fact that there was actually some _blood_ on the assassin’s sword.

                She had already grazed him with a few nicks and scratches, most of them hairline, but there was one on his left bicep that was beginning to sting a little. Goddam woman and her chocolate issues…

                “ _Sofia. You know I don’t understand your Italian gibberish! What was that_?”

                “*Porca troia!” Sofia rounded another corner and hid behind the wall, panting heavily while blood trickled down his arm. “Well,” he finally breathed. “At least I’m not in my dress.”

                On the other end of the conversation, Yusuf resembled an imp with the grin that had sliced through her face, stained teeth shown and eyes squinted to almost slits (like Malik and Leonardo’s…AHEM)

                Rosa approached the assassin and smacked her upside the head. “We don’t need any bright ideas about your fetish in seeing Sofia in a dress right now!”

                “Ow,” Yusuf rubbed the back of her head and glanced at the thief with an annoyed look. “It’s not a fetish. (That’s Ezio’s problem...)” she explained. “He’s just _really_ bad at finding his clothes. And oversized dresses look good on him…I think.”

                “* _Vai all’inferno_!”

                The bomb tech laughed obnoxiously and wiggled her eyebrows a few times towards Shaun before replying, “**Yine gel?”

                Sofia frowned and lowered his voice to a mocking tone. “Ha ha, you’re _so_ funny.”  The soft padding of feet heading his way made his breath hitch. Foolishly enough, he peered around the corner and saw Ezio using her Eagle Sense to track him. He swallowed. “ _Merda.”_

                Ezio found him immediately after the word left his mouth. The calm and composed look that had been on her face was gone in an instant and she looked like Jack Nicholson from _The Shining_ , only using a _very_ sharp sword instead of an old axe. “ _HERE’S EZIO~.”_

                Her laughter chased him down the hallway again. And this time, he didn’t look back.

                “Damn,” Yusuf looked over at the others with the phone still by her ear. “She can _still_ quote movies while drunk. And I thought _I_ had problems.”

                “ _YOU DO HAVE PROBLEMS_!”

                “Still alive, Sofia?” The assassin smirked.

                “Uhh…” He barely got an answer out as he ducked behind a wall just as Ezio was swinging at him. “ _Barely!”_

                “Well,” Yusuf looked over at the dead monitor and chuckled lightly. “Ezio’s the one who has the problem here…Or should I say you since she’s trying to turn you into her next,” she paused and raised her free hand to simulate air quotes, “’ _work of art_ ’.”

                “Heh,” Sofia ran towards a ladder and began sprinting up it. Ezio was hot on his heels, holding her sword between her teeth as she raced after him with a Cheshire grin on her face. “Sorry about this…” he swallowed as he kicked the girl in the head and watched hopelessly as she fell back like a ragdoll to the ground.

                “ _What did you do_?” Yusuf’s accusing tone broke through on the other side of the call.

                “Uhh…” he paused in thought for a moment as he began bolting down the hallway. “I kicked her in the head while she was climbing up a ladder after me…?”

                From the other end, he heard her loudly clap her hands. “ _I applaud you, Good sir!”_ Just as she said that, Sofia vaulted over one of the spare room’s tables that he had darted into when he heard Ezio speeding up the ladder to come after him yet once again. “ _Tell me quick! Ain’t love a kick in the head~?_ ”

                “I see you not getting your beauty sleep hasn’t put a damper on your _wonderful_ sense of humor,” the man muttered to himself as he slid behind a counter and hid there, catching his breath while trying to hear where Ezio was.

                Shaun crossed her arms and looked over at the assassin on the phone. “Yusuf, he isn’t going to last much longer. Even though he could technically pass for an assassin just from the mere feat he’s survived Ezio this long on his own, he’s still human.”

                “ _THANK YOU_!” Sofia spoke up after hearing the tech’s remark.

                “Good point…” Claudia looked at Caterina, then Shaun, then Rosa, and then Yusuf. “Someone needs to go after him.”

                “Yeah,” Cat spoke up and looked up at the bomb tech. Then Rosa and Shaun began to stare down the younger assassin as well.

                “…What?” Yusuf frowned in confusion.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is awesome; flames will be used to light my Bunsen Burner. ~Yusuf


	4. RUN YOU FUCKERS

               

*-Italian

-Merda – Shit

Tu piezza di merda – You piece of shit

Amico mio – my friend  
( _The last part shall not be translated due to obvious reasons of vulgarity :D)_  
  
**-Turkish  
şeytan - devil

Koyu çikolata – Dark Chocolate

 

* * *

 

                “It’s _waaaay_ too early for this shit.” Yusuf was stuck running through the hallways and picking up the trail that the lion and mouse left behind in their wake. Broken furniture, broken picture frames, sliced books, shattered doors…Shaun was going to have a fit, as well as Malik and Leo. Damn perfectionists.

                The assassin slouched her shoulders as she eyed the discord. “…Sofia, you have an angel watching you. That’s the only way I can explain it…”

                “ _Think so?”_ Sofia spoke up from the other end.

                “Well, it’s either that, or Lady Luck thinks you’re too good looking to die.”

                Sofia snickered while feeling full of himself for a moment. “ _I guess she has good taste then!”_

                Yusuf rolled her eyes. “No, I met her before. She just went blind a few years back.”

                “ _…and just what is_ that _supposed to meaaAAAAAAN!”_ he was back on the run again. Sofia had spirit, that was for sure.

                “It means that you’re ugly,” Yusuf said bluntly; she was getting WAY too tired of this shit. Shaun is never hiding the chocolate again if _this_ is what happens. “You know… maybe if you stayed quiet or spoke softly, she wouldn’t find you so easily.”

                “ _YOU TELL ME THIS_ NOW?! * _Tu piezza di merda_!” He paused for a moment. “ _What about her vision though? I can’t hide from that!”_

                She sighed. “There’s this thing called a WALL, **Manfaka. Just don’t move into her line of sight for nothing and she won’t see you.”

                There was another pause as Sofia ducked behind one of the tables in the armory. “ _And you know this_ how?”

                “How else do you think I manage to get away from the **şeytan after blowing up a bomb in her face?...Not that she didn’t get payback of course, but that’s beside the point.”

                “ _Amico mio, you will have to teach me.”_

                Yusuf pumped her fist into the air. “Yay! Another recruit! I’ll teach you while Ezio’s almost killing Desmond on a daily basis!”

                It went silent on the other end. And as the seconds ticked by, she didn’t understand why Sofia wasn’t giving some sarcastic remark about that. “…Sofia?”

                _“We’re in the armory. If she kills me before you get here I swear I’ll make sure you never make another bomb again!”_ his voice was hushed in a whisper, but he knew she heard him.

                Yusuf turned right at the end of the hall and bolted down the stairs. “I’m almost there!” Just as she got there, Sofia began frantically yelling on the other end.

                “ _Ezio! Why don’t you put the sword down and let me give you a hug!...Okay, so you don’t want a hug…A kiss maybe?”_

Yusuf rolled her eyes and began undoing the lock to the armory’s door. “I don’t think you would stand a chance of her accepting if she was sober…or you might if you make a bet with her…” she shrugged and went back to the lock.

                “ _Good point…Ezio! Look, even though you’re practically foaming at the mouth and your eyes are bloodshot while you’re growling like a rabid animal, I still think you look nice! Did you do something with your hair? New shampoo? Maybe you’ve been working out more? You seem more toned!”_

“That’s it, **Manfaka,” Yusuf muttered under her breath as she teased the sweet spot of the lock. “Keep talking. Buy me some time to save your sorry little ass.”

                “ _I can still hear you, Yusuf—Ezio! You know…I think I mess with you a bit too much. Is this revenge? I know you like seeing me in a dress. If I put it on will you not kill me? How about if I take you out one night. Just you and me, hmm? Maybe I could give you some chocolate…you could take me to your favorite restaurant…you know, just us…or the whole group if you want!”_

Yusuf stared at the lock for a good minute before looking up at the metal door that she could hear him through. Either her lack of sleep was getting to her, or he was saying what she thought he was. She got the door unlocked and kicked it open immediately after the lock had given out. Sofia was backing away slowly while Ezio stalked closer with every step that he took back. The tip of her sword was at his throat, and were it not for the fact that Ezio was now a psychopathic killer; the scene would have been more comical.

                “Sofia!” The youngest of the three shouted out. The man turned to look at her, only resulting in the sword coming closer to the skin of his neck and Ezio’s growls becoming louder.

                “A little help would be nice…?” He laughed nervously and kept his hands in the air.

                “Are you seriously asking Ezio out while she’s holding you at _sword-_ point?!” the assassin put her hands on her hips and gave the older man a disappointed look.

                Ezio paused and looked at Yusuf and then back to Sofia when he spoke up. “How is this relevant—”

                “Just answer the question!” Yusuf shot back.

                “Yes! Maybe I am! Alright? Is that such a bad thing—”

                “It is when she’s about to freakin’ _kill_ you? Do you honestly think she is in a rational state of mind right now?”

                “I don’t know! This is the first time it’s gotten _this_ bad!” Sofia countered with a glare. The sword touched his neck and he winced and jumped back a bit.

                Yusuf cupped her hands around her mouth and sucked in a long breath. “HEY! EZIO!”

                On a dime, the mentor turned to face the other assassin and saw her waving a box of chocolate in her hand. Ezio’s jaw dropped and a grin appeared on the brunette’s face.

                “You want it?” Yusuf shook the box teasingly.

                The other girl nodded her head vigorously and let her sword arm drop to her side.

                “Then go GET IT!” The younger assassin hurled the chocolate to the far side of the room. Ezio scampered off after it, screaming and laughing the whole way while hopping along.

                Sofia’s jaw dropped and he was being yanked from his spot before he had time to process what had exactly happened. “RUN YOU FUCKER! RUN!”

                “What the hell did you do?” He yelled at Yusuf as she dragged him down the hall and towards the fallout shelter.

                “**Koyu çikolata!” she called over her shoulder. Sofia deadpanned and looked over his shoulder for a moment.

                As if on cue, they both heard her. “YUUUUUUUUSUF~!”

                “* _Merda!_ RUN!” The man bolted past the assassin down the hallway. Yusuf ran frantically to catch up to him and the pair could hear Ezio speedily gaining on them from afar already.

                “YUSUF! *VOI PORCA MISERIA! FACCIA A CULO! CHE TE POZZINO AMMAZZÃÂ!”

                Sofia’s face turned ten different shades of red as more Italian curses were strung from afar by the renowned _master and mentor assassin_. The other assassin turned to look at him and raised an eyebrow as they were running. “What is she saying?”

                He shook his head and cleared his mind. “You don’t wanna know, Yusuf. You don’t wanna know…”  

                The two rounded another hallway and saw the fallout shelter’s large metal door at the end of the hall. “OPEN THE DOOR!”

                Shaun jumped from her lounging position by the door and moved to unlock it. She barely got the door open in time when Sofia and Yusuf dove in the shelter…and right into the slumber party in the back.

                Needless to say, Sofia would rather deal with a pissy group of assassins than one drunken Ezio on any given day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ezio: -wakes up some time o'late afternoon- Ugh... what was I drinking?
> 
> Yusuf: Eh, just some of Sofia's blood... I think...
> 
> Ezio: WHAT!
> 
> Yusuf: Feedback is awesome; flames will be used to protect future chocolate bunnies. :D


End file.
